HERdacious

The Language of Rebellion

September 07, 2020 HERdacity Season 1 Episode 27
HERdacious
The Language of Rebellion
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Authentic Communication as an Act of Rebellion

In this episode, herdacious host Lorelei chats with Jace Downey to discuss how authentic communication improves our quality of life. Jace breaks down the true meaning of authenticity, loving ourselves at our best AND our worst, and how radical acceptance allows us to communicate as our truest selves. While digging into our self-worth might be a daunting task, Jace teaches us all that our shovels are bound to hit gold and reveal a crown. Let’s pick it up and be the authentic queens we were born to be!

Host: Lorelei Gonzalez
Co-host: Jace Downey

Jace is a speaker, writer, and self-proclaimed troublemaker known for being an insightful, engaging speaker who captivates audiences with her passion for empowering others. She began public speaking in 2015 and has since been featured on screen, online, and in print across the globe as a pioneer in battling stigma surrounding addiction and trauma. Shifting away from the way people perceive adversity, Jace empowers others to use their pasts to build their futures through her writing, YouTube videos, and one-on-one sessions. 

Things you will learn in this episode (chapter markers available):  

  • Authentic communication 1:30 
  • The difficulties 5:55
  • Women and esteem 7:30
  • Beginning your heroines journey 9:50
  • What’s in it for you? 13:50
  • Action steps 18:20
  • Femme fact: Kara Walker 27:00

Resources mentioned in this episode:  

Link to show transcript here.

Episode sponsors:  

Looking for additional resources on this topic? Check out our webinar "How to Quiet Your Inner Critic" by Amanda McPherson. 

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Sponsor

Today's episode is brought to you by HERdacity. HERdacity is a non-profit inspiring confidence in women to achieve their professional goals. For resources, networking opportunities, and a strong community of women, visit HERdacity.org to learn more.

 

Lorelei

Welcome to HERdacious, a podcast for audacious women. Saluations to you all. Welcome to HERdacious, the podcast for audacious women looking to make some career moves and wanting a little support along the way. I'm Lorelei, and I am really pleased you chose to join us in this conversation today as we discuss authentic communication as an act of rebellion. Joining me in this conversation, we have the intuitive guide for spirit-led self-mastery and authentic living expert, Jace Downey.

 

Jace

Howdy

.

Lorelei

How you doing, Jace?

 

Jace

I am overflowing with joy and excitement, just in general.

 

Lorelei

I'm really pleased you brought that joy and excitement to the show today, I'm really interested to hear what you have to say about communication as an act of rebellion.

 

Jace

Fantastic, 'cause that's what we're talking about today. So it's gonna work out really well.

 

Lorelei

So to kick us off, tell us what authentic communication really means.

 

Jace

Authentic communication is a natural result of being an authentic person. Now we're hearing a lot about authenticity today, it's become a real buzzword... 

 

Lorelei

Oh yeah.

 

Jace

A trend in marketing right now is to be authentic, but not too many people are talking about what actually goes into that. There's a reason that when we see true authenticity, it catches us off guard because it's hard, because it goes against everything that we are taught in our society. It means knowing and accepting all parts of ourselves, and that means the bright and shiny stuff we love to show off on first dates, and it means the yucky, grimy stuff we try to hide in the basement until it accidentally slips out and/or we run from it for our entire lives and waste all of this energy hoping no one will ever find out our dark secrets that we are not good enough.

 

So, authentic communication means expressing yourself from a well-established, well-known and well-loved position of really knowing who you are.

 

Lorelei

I imagine that knowing who you are can be somewhat of a challenge for a few folks.

 

Jace

Knowing who you are isn't a challenge, it's the... Looking at who you really are, that is a challenge for people.

 

Lorelei

Elaborate.

 

Jace

Many of us are given a real bullshit lie... Are we allowed to cuss on, here is this allowed? We're adults, right?

 

Lorelei

100%. 

 

Jace

It's total bullshit. And that message, it comes from our family, it comes from our culture, it comes from media, is that we are not acceptable as we are... We hear it all the time, you gotta put your best foot forward. Don't air your dirty laundry. And now with social media, we're seeing all of this half stuff. I'm not gonna call it fake because it's not necessarily fake, but it's not the whole story. There are these parts that are in all of us that we have perceived to be deemed unacceptable, and as cliche as this sounds, it usually comes from childhood, it usually comes from those first seven years, those formative years where we're in the Theta brain wave, and basically under hypnosis, where we don't have consciousness to go “Hm, that's not true.” Or, “You know what, I am valuable as a human being,” like, “Oh, mom or dad shouldn't be treating me that way, they should be caring for me.”

 

No, we don't have that as children, so it all just goes in there and we believe that it's true, and then we spend the rest of our lives until we stop down and do this work, just hoping to God that nobody else finds out that it's true. And feeling all of this hurt when there's any evidence that looks like it is indeed true and it's totally not at all. So looking at that stuff is scary and it's uncomfortable.

 

Lorelei

And after we do the looking at ourselves and the better knowing of ourselves, then we're able to better authentically communicate with others, correct?

 

Jace

When you are not hiding things anymore and not putting energy into presenting in a certain way, then you are just showing up and you move into a space of being instead of all of this doing and every word that comes out of your mouth is going to be authentic or every body movement or facial expression or a little bit of sass that you throw in there, or randomly break into theme songs like I do, like that's who I am. And so I don't have to authentically communicate, I just have to show up and let stuff come out of my mouth, but it can't happen without the work first on that seeing, knowing and accepting ourselves. There's no shortcut. I know it'd be great to be like, “Here are three tips to authentically communicate today...” No, that's not authentic. 'cause it's not complete.

 

Lorelei

So what makes this so difficult in our culture?

 

Jace

There are several factors that are built up around us. We have an entire economic system of consumerism based on us not feeling good enough, that we don't do enough and we don't have enough. Products are sold based on you feeling that you need them or want them, because you have some deficiency, you're missing something, and so we buy all of this stuff, right. So people are making billions of dollars off of us not just understanding that we're good enough as we are. We're going up against a pretty big machine here. And this, of course, has been going on for generations, not to mention the just wrong messages that have been coming down through families for so long. Epigenetics is showing that that stuff comes down in our DNA.

 

So this stuff is in our DNA, it's in our TV, it's in our social media, it's every billboard that we see, it's in every show that is out there with these fake people living fake lives, and it is surrounding us, and there are a lot of people who benefit off of us not feeling that we are good enough, which is why I call it the ultimate act of rebellion. 

 

Lorelei

I was about to say, so what does that make us call for... How do we have to show up?

 

Jace

It's to be call for rebelling against this system. Why am I going to spend one more day, one more second, allowing this lie to drive my life, to put money in someone else's pocket, to put control in someone else's court, no more.

 

Not for me, and I hope not for anybody who's ready for the call.

 

Lorelei

How can this affect women, especially?

 

Jace

Women, I think are naturally affected by this more, especially our generation, and that coming before us.We've been brought up with this idea that those who have been in the position of power and status, which happened to have been men for the last several generations, that those qualities are... Right. That that's what leads to success. Like you gotta just power through and pull up your bootstraps and do more, and all of those things, those are masculine energy qualities. As much as we've tried to fight it for weird reasons, there really is a difference between masculine and feminine energy. Yes, of course, there's a difference between men and women, but I'm talking about the actual yin and yang that makes up each of us. Because masculine energy has been deemed as good and right and better, we have moved out of our feminine energy in attempt to succeed in a world that was not designed for us, and therefore, it's really difficult to be authentic as a woman, when we are told that being that person is wrong and will lead to nothing and is deemed failure or laziness or over-sensitivity or all of these silly things. And of course, we know this, and we're really seeing this a lot, they were asked to play all of these roles, many of which we don't really naturally fit into not 'cause we're less than not 'cause we can't. Girl, you know, women can do any and everything, and e can do it with a kid on our hip and the phone in our ear, and some of us are wearing heels, not me, I'm usually bare foot. But we can do all of these things, but if they don't come naturally to us, like wearing high heels, that wouldn't be authentic for me... right? And that's just a really small example, but we have an added level of difficulty when it comes to authenticity, because we live in a society that has deemed our true nature as less than.

 

Lorelei

What do we as humans need to do to communicate authentically?

 

Jace

It all starts with desire. 

 

Lorelei

Desire? 

 

Jace

What do you actually want? What I call a boldly satisfying life. Do you actually want to be in connection with others? What is it worth to you?

 

Willingness has to come next, 'cause this is gonna be uncomfortable. I can try to sugar coat it, but I'm not going to. Shifting into something new has uncertainty with it, we're bad at it at first, of course, because we've never done it, it's uncomfortable and we have that whole system that's already working against us, so we have to be willing to shift our energy into something new and be in some discomfort for a while. This one might sound a little silly, but it takes guts, we're going up against that system, we're going up against how we've been brought up in our culture and say, we're going against what everyone around us is doing. It is difficult, and the level of uncertainty that comes with this path usually stops people in their second step. It really is the heroines journey, and it comes with all of the monsters and dragons and demons and all of the things that you would expect with that. 

 

Lorelei

Oh my. 

 

Jace

I found curiosity is such an important part of this, we have to shift that judgment, that foolishness that comes up in our heads on how we're wrong or silly or can't do it or we're gonna fail, all that, we have to shift that into curiosity and get really fascinated with ourselves, with the human condition, with how these things have come into our minds and bodies when we can move that judgment into fascination... It's way less scary. 

 

Lorelei

Okay, anything else?

 

Jace

Yes, one of the most important ones.

 

Support. Support is crucial, and I think just in general. Yes, we can survive on our own, but we cannot thrive there, we are designed as human beings, as a species to need one another, we are not intended to be able to fill every role and do everything, we can't thrive that way. And so having a strong support system around, that's gonna watch you fall on your face and then pick you up and give you a hug when you're done, will call you out when you're not doing what you say you wanna be doing, or really someone who has been down the path before, several steps of head ahead of you that can guide you through those demons and monsters and dragons and all of those things, and help you continue down what can sometimes feel like a really dark tunnel and help you bring out your light in that space. 

 

Lorelei

Well Jace, this podcast was designed with the sponsor break, so we're gonna take that real quick.

 

Sponsor

Hi, Barbie here from Moonray, husband and wife indie pop duo. If you enjoy the intro music, we invite you to listen to our debut EP “Honeymoon.” Streaming now on all platforms. Visit www.moonray-music.com for more. 

 

Lorelei

And we're back with Jace Downey talking about authentic communication as an act of rebellion. Jace just gave us a heavy dose of know yourself, of looking in the mirror, hard truths, and being okay showing up without hiding some of the pieces we’re taught to hide. That can be uncomfortable. Why are you telling us to go through all of that when it's challenging, uncomfortable, difficult. What's in it for me? 

 

Jace

Great question. Correction first, you said it can be uncomfortable, girl I’m telling you it will be uncomfortable, and I don't say that to freak anybody out. This is HERdacious, right? We're talking about being audacious as women.

 

Lorelei

Yes, ma'am.

 

Jace

And a lot of people get in there and they're like, “Oh, this feels terrible,” so they quit right. No, that's part of the process.

 

So yes, courage is needed, but it will be uncomfortable, the pay-off for doing this work is this boundless joy, energy because you're not wasting it anymore on hiding all of that stuff, on trying to present in a specific way, you're able to just show up.

 

The amount of serenity that comes with authentic living is immeasurable. There are all these things you wouldn't think are gonna be connected, you're gonna have stronger relationships, especially when we're talking about communication, being able to stay where you're at, why you're there, what you need, how you feel, every single relationship is gonna get stronger because we're not staying in that chronic stress response, your health is gonna improve, it will actually extend your life, which is gonna be great, 'cause your quality of life is gonna go through the roof. You have true agency over your life, because that past and all that nonsense isn't ruling it, you will have more love than you know what to do with, you're gonna have to give it away because you have so much of it inside of you, you're gonna watch your income go up.

 

It's nuts.

 

If you wanna talk about pay off towards efforts, this is the number one area to invest in, and I don't just say that 'cause I make my living helping people do it, it really is the million times reward of the effort you put in.

 

Authentic living is like having a super power, there is no one scarier, then a person, especially a woman who walks in the room and actually knows and loves herself. It scares and confuses the heck out of people. And this does sound scary and... Yeah, it's uncomfortable, uncertain... Yeah, there's uncertainty that's up there, but it's actually really fun because the thing is, you are wonderful. Who you just came into this world as is amazing. I was worried, I was terrified that I was gonna look under the rock and find a shitty person that was not worth loving, so I didn't wanna look. But what I found was an unbelievable source of love and kindness and compassion, and bad assery. 

 

Lorelei

I love it.

 

Jace

We all come in that way, and so it's fun, it's like meeting your soulmate and all of the yummy, juicy stuff that comes along with those dates and is he or she gonna hold my hand? All with yourself. So you're with you all the time. We talk about these different skill sets to invest in, but growth, what comes with you into everything, every job, every relationship, every budget, you. 

 

Lorelei

Yes.

 

Jace

So if you're gonna put effort into anything I say, put it into yourself and you will see a phenomenal improvement in everything.

 

Lorelei

I love, love, love, love, that you just said that, and I just wanna take a quick second to amplify your message, each and every one of you listening is a glorious, amazing, remarkable human being. And you are worth it.

 

Oh my goodness, thank you for that powerful message Jace.

 

Jace

And the thing is, there's not a damn thing or no amount of things that you can do that's gonna change that, and believe me, I have a pretty ugly track record behind me.

 

Lorelei

Okay, so if we're all in on making these changes on living and communicating our true selves and bucking the system, where do we start? What are the steps that we can take today if we feel like this is our jam? Or as Darlene Templeton would say, what is your WOW - Within One Week? What could we start doing now? 

 

Jace

There's not necessarily a step-by-step path to becoming your authentic self, but here are some things that anyone could choose, one or two or all of them of that anyone could do this coming week.

 

Meditation, don't freak out. I know that word freaks a lot of people out. We’re just talking about being in silence and observing. Five minutes, do five minutes a day. Do three minutes a day for the next week. And just pay attention to your thoughts. Don't do anything with them. Just listen to them. What are those thoughts about yourself in your life? Just notice .

 

Lorelei

And I'll get to journal them...

 

Jace

You don't have to though. That is another suggestion, which I'll touch base on.

 

Lorelei

Oh whoops, didn’t mean to jump ahead.

 

Jace

You're good. No, no, well, let's talk on that one, logging your thoughts and beliefs and those things that you catch yourself saying and hearing really helps in bringing awareness to them. And again, you can't love it if you don't know it, and you can't know it if you don't look at it. So you're gonna have to have awareness, and that doesn't come overnight, especially in our world today where it's all about distraction and staying plugged in constantly. Part of the whole system that we're rebelling against is to take us out of the present and the truth.

 

Lorelei

Which is that we are worthy. We are good enough.

 

Jace

Girl, you better believe it.

 

Lorelei

Yes. 

 

Jace

So yeah, logging them is really helpful, if you're doing your time and meditation, then no just pay attention. If that's where you're at, and you're like, I can listen for three minutes, five minutes, great. If you're out and about in your day, and you can log a few that you catch yourself thinking, or saying that is gonna help that awareness big time.

 

One of my favorite ones, everybody laughs at this, but it's just changing the end of your sentence, so that sounds something like... I have a pretty ugly track record, and I really love that about myself. I show up late to all of my appointments, and I really love that about myself. I don't I promise. I drink too much coffee, and I really love that about myself. Do you believe it right now? No, but guess what, the subconscious mind doesn't have a filter, it just takes what you give it and it says, “Okay, you got it,” and it starts to create that as your reality, it also changes your neuro pathways in your brain... It’s a really powerful one. And it's silly and it's fun, and all of my clients, they laugh and their spouses get in on it, and it becomes the joke, but except that they love it and it actually changes their lives within weeks.

 

Lorelei

Can I see some clarification on that though?

 

Jace

You bet.

 

Lorelei

What if I’m using that... “And I really love that about myself” to re-affirm something negative or harmful, like I drink too much, and I really like that about myself. Or I'm a huge asshole at work, and I really like that about myself. Like what if we start using that for evil? 

 

Jace

Yeah, that's a really good question. The point of this is that love has to be unconditional.

 

Now, I don't like everything about myself, I don't want to keep everything about myself, but for this to work, I have to love every part of myself, and if those are deemed equal things, I'm not going to look at them, I'm not going to accept them, you've gotta accept the whole shebang.

 

So it's not gonna give you permission to continue doing them because we do those things, we're an asshole at work and we drink too much because we are covering up some pain and a wound, and guess what is the universal wound? I am not worthy of being loved. So if you bring love into the mix... Boom, problem solved. 

 

Lorelei

Oh my gosh, this is epic.

 

Jace

So don't worry about that. You can even say, it's not my favorite thing, and I really love that about myself.

 

Now, please hear me, this is “And I really love that about myself,” not, “But I really love that about myself,” it's not negating this trait or this behavior that maybe is not your favorite, it is accepting it.

 

I am an asshole at work, and I really love that about myself. It's about full radical acceptance. Can you dig it?

 

Lorelei

I can dig.

 

Jace

Another silly one. It's real uncomfortable. And you could go do this today, you could go do it right after listening to this podcast, go look in the mirror, look your gorgeous yourself right in the eyes and say out loud, I love you.

 

Lorelei

I love you.

 

Jace

And it might feel weird and honestly, it might not feel true.

 

But keep doing it. Every time you walk by a mirror, you say, I love you, you get out of the shower and you look at your full self and say, I love you, right. And you keep doing that until that reflection says it back. 

 

Lorelei

That's beautiful, that's beautiful. 

 

Jace

It's very powerful. And of course, you can reach out to me or another trusted guide, anyone you see who you go... “They have what I want, I could use a little more of that. They seem to know what they're doing,” bring that person in as part of your support team because it's gonna make everything go so much faster. Don’t be out here doing it alone, you can... You don't have to... It's like being an entrepreneur. Can we do everything? You bet. Should we or do we need to? No. Come on team.

 

You can't thrive that way, so get a support team around it, bring a guide into the mix.

 

Lorelei

Love that, those are definite steps that we could start taking today if we choose to. Ball in our court. Ball in our court. 

 

Jace

That's right.

 

Lorelei

Jace, to wrap this episode up, give us a couple of resources to help us assist in further developing our authentic communication style.

 

Jace

This one might sound silly by the title, but have faith, “Meditation for Dummies.” It is way more profound than the title suggests, and it goes into so many styles and methods for meditation and mindfulness at any level of comfort and willingness, and you cannot do this without becoming aware of yourself.

 

Oh, not possible. So meditation is a very fast and efficient way to start growing awareness of yourself, so check out that book, don't be afraid of meditation, and just let all of the old connotations that come with that word die 'cause it means a lot of different things.

 

Another favorite book of mine is “Divine Audacity.”

 

Lorelei

Divine Audacity?

Jace

Girl, yes.

 

Lorelei

Well, that book was made for being listed on this show. 

 

Jace

I'm not even gonna explain it, just go check it out, and the author is very awesome, she's definitely walking the talk. Linda Martella-Whitsett “Divine Audacity.” Really, really good.

 

And I have resources on my website and my YouTube channel that are all in this area, this is a million percent my jam. 

 

Lorelei

Which we will definitely link in our show notes. Jace also has a couple of other recommendations that we will be sure to post up and show notes for you.

 

Jace

This has become my surprise passion, we are hearing a lot about big change in the world right now, it's not gonna come from the outside, it is not gonna come from government or corporation or organizations, we change inside and watch the world change outside. This is a world-changing mission, and we are all getting that call. Whether you wanna step into that rebellion is absolutely up to you. 

 

Lorelei

Jace, you have been tremendous and empowering and uplifting, and a bright light of encouragement when we need it so badly right now. Covid-19 is damping the prosperity of our spirits, our economies and many industries, and the latest and one of the most deeply affected targets has been the arts. Artists and a variety of artistic venues are struggling right now to stay afloat during this economic turndown. .Artists of color are particularly struggling, and as we often make intentional decisions about which artists we do and do not support as a society, HERdacious is going to make an intentional use of this femme fact to spotlight a working American artist, known best for haunting, historical narratives of sexuality, violence, and subjugation, specifically within the painful legacy of slavery. Ms. Kara Walker was born in Stockton, California in 1969, where she lived with her parents. Kara’s father was a painter, and she was quickly influenced by his artistic side, so much so that she recalls one of her earliest memories of sitting on her father's lap in his art studio, simply watching him draw. Kara’s family eventually moved to Atlanta, Georgia, where her father took a teaching job at Georgia State University.

 

Now, finding your own style and figuring out what you want to communicate to the world is a challenging feet that every artist must grapple with, and Kara was no exception. Her eventual interest in historical race relations actually stems from this early childhood cross-country move. Having only known suburban California life, where she was surrounded by diversity, the move to a classic southern city like Atlanta, where unfortunately, Kara did experience some painful bigotry first hand while in high school. Kara ended up attending the Atlanta College of Art, earning her BFA. During that time, she found it difficult to address issues of race within her art, as she was concerned about how using historical racism could pigeon-hole her as an artist. But she soon found her voice and realized the importance of expressing her artistic creation in the ways that called to her as an artist. Kara later completed her master of fine art degree at the Rhode Island School of Design, and was later named a MacArthur Fellow in ‘97. She was the youngest person ever to be awarded the Genius Grant. Kara Walker is known best for her panoramic freezes of cut paper silhouettes illustrating imagery of America's history with topical emphasis on African-American racial identity. These silhouettes often take on violent and unsettling scenes, showing vignettes of early Black American lives within historical context. Her art is so ambitious and complex, it's difficult to put into words without being able to physically feel the emotion that comes with viewing each scene she creates. And we will link an article in our show notes about her work. An author for the Paris Review attended one of her 2017 exhibits displaying some of her cut paper silhouettes, and they described the imagery as something from a terrifying nightmare. “Images vile, desperate, solemn come back to me now. They are fetid. Black people, gently brushed to life, running from ropes and impaled on branches…I can see why some are enraged by these sordid wicked depictions. They are not triumphant.”

 

Now, Walker silhouettes have caused controversy around the country because they are not gentle in the telling of America's history of slavery, and Kara herself has expressed her need to challenge the stereotype of the South having been a pretty place. Kara is an artistic pioneer with a resounding message, that we shall not look away from any longer. I encourage you all to delve into her work to learn more about our country's history in regard to race, and what each of us can do to be better allies moving forward.

 

Kara’s art is revealing. And so are our actions. Let's be kind to each other, conscious of each other, remembering our history and support each other as we move forward as a nation, as Americans, and as human beings. Jace, from one human being to another, thank you for your time and your passion today. It has been a bounty. 

 

Jace

It is absolutely my pleasure. I love HERdacity, I love what y'all are doing, talk about a bright light, girl. Y'all are blowing it up. Thank you so much for including me.

 

Lorelei

Thank you, it's our pleasure.

 

And this has been HERdacious, if you enjoyed the show, please share it with another woman. You don't know what light she might need in her life, and maybe we could be a little guiding light. Until next time. Let's step into the rebellion together. 

 

Jace

I am a warrior, a giant, defiant, a rebel of the status quo.

 

I refuse to let fear continue to bind me, walk tall with the universe right behind me, indigo blood coursing through my celestial veins. Girl, just fit in your package. Quit causing a racket. One person can't change the world. Don't try to talk me out of it. It's worthless. I've already heard this. I simply disagree. You want me to dim down my light... Back away from the fight. Boy, you don't know me at all. I raise my voice for the voiceless. Don't raise yours against me, it's pointless. I am not afraid. You may see me as aggressive and I you oppressive, truth is we are all one love. That might make me sound like a hippie, which you'll use against me in an attempt to discredit my voice, but there have been others just like you. And truth always shines through. It's only a matter of time. The time now is present, the place is right here, our voices cry out with no trace of your fear, give me authenticity or give me death. I will not stop just to ease you, can no longer change to appease you, I am unrelenting, unapologetic, me.

 

Consider this my official public resignation, my soul’s long-awaited liberation. Society, I truly wish you the best. Fuck you.

 

With love,

Jace.

Authentic communication
The difficulties
Women and esteem
Beginning your heroines journey
What's in it for you?
Action steps
Femme fact: Kara Walker